Thought Process: Testimony

Hey guys!
   So, I think that 'Thought Process Thursday' is going to become a thing. It probably won't be every week, but it might be. Who know. It all depends on if my mind decides to be all weird and deep that week or not. :P
   Last night I was listening to my usual thoughtful, deep music that I listen to (translate that to sad music), and inspiration struck. I'd been wanting to write a poem about my testimony, how I got saved, for awhile now. I've been chewing on the thought for the last few months, thinking of a good rhyming scheme, thinking of how I wanted to word things. And I finally did it last night.

   However, it isn't really a poem. No, actually, it's nothing like a poem. It's just a strange thing that vaguely explains it in my own weird way. So I thought I'd give you all a bit of clarification before I post that.
   I accepted Jesus as my Saviour on August 24th, 2014. I had originally thought that I'd gotten saved when I was younger, about 6 or 7. But God then showed me that wasn't the case.
   I was under conviction for a few months, fighting my need to be saved and my fear of a hopeless life and the even more hopeless death that was sure to follow if I didn't fill that need. I knew I needed to get saved, and I wanted to. But I was scared.
   I was scared about the fact that I hadn't actually been saved this whole time, so I was kind of in denial. Even more than that, I was scared of, well, everyone else around me.
   This is where things get a bit tricky because not even I understand what I was truly afraid of here. I wasn't really scared of people knowing I wasn't saved this whole time, despite the fact that I'd been teaching a kid's class and doing all of these church-things without having a real relationship with the Lord. I was mostly scared of them all paying attention to me.
   I'm the kind of person who likes to fade into the background. I can seem outgoing, but I'm also pretty quiet. No one really realizes how little they know about me, and I like it that way. It's nice. I'm there, but I'm not really deeply connected with anyone.
   Sounds weird, but it's true.
   I knew that if I came forward and got saved, everyone would be looking at me, talking about me, wondering what was wrong.
   And that was what I was scared of. Everyone would be focused on me and I didn't like that.
   Sounds even weirder, but it's also true.
   Hopefully, that all makes some sense and what I'm about to post now does too. If you are confused, you can always ask me about it, I'm not afraid to answer questions. :)
   So, here's the thing...

Testimony

Safety. Comfort. False assurance. Fake peace. Contentment in thinking I knew I was secure. 

Realization. Stabbing guilt, shattering thought. My safety crumbling around me in a thousand ragged pieces, tearing holes into my false cocoon and sending me plummeting downwards. 

Lies. Everything was a lie, all this time, and I didn't even know. All these people that thought I was safe, lied to. I should say something, I should speak, they would only forgive. He would only forgive. But I couldn't. To think I could like to myself for this long, that I believed it. And the people. Everyone would know, everyone would look at me, everyone would talk about me. This scared me more than the abyss I was plunging down.

Darkness. Clawing, cloaking darkness tearing me apart, pulling me, pushing me ever deeper.

Guilt. What have I done, dear God, what have I done? I killed the Light. His blood stains my hands and fills my thoughts and chokes me. I don't want to live with the guilt anymore, I want to be free. But the people, the eyes, the words all hold me back. 

Fear. In an instant death could take me and my decision would be made. I don't want to die in the darkness and be thrown to something far worse. But I can't cry for help. I can't admit my fear, can't admit my struggle. 

Would it be better to die?

No, death would only bring the deeper darkness, darkness with no hope. I need to look up, stop being stupid, stop fighting freedom. But the people scare me, and I stay silent. 

And I fall.

And fall.

The darkness doesn't end. It pulls more and more from me, willing me to give into it, to choose the deeper darkness. But I know that it's worse, and I know looking up is better.

I try it. 

I take a tiny peek at the Light. But the people see me. They see my tears, my fear, they're worried. I don't like them looking at me, their concern scares me more. I'm fine, I'm fine. 

I look back into the abyss.

Better. It's better this way. Maybe I should forget that I'm falling and let the darkness take me. How could I forget, though? I know better than that. I know what happens when you forget. I don't want that.

I fear the deeper darkness, I fear the Light and I'm stuck in between, being dragged downwards by fear. 

I want nothing more than to stop existing.

Tearing. The guilt is tearing me apart into nothingness. The fear soaks into me until that's all there is. I won't want to live in fear, but I do. 

The Light. I need it, more than I fear the people. I need Him.

ENOUGH

I look up. And the people see. They see my tears, they see my fear. They see my broken, shattered soul. I hate it. I hate it almost as much as the darkness, but the darkness is still worse. 

I reach up. Blood and blackness run from my hand, staining my flesh, my clothes, my heart. My sin, His blood. 

The Light reaches down and grabs hold. 

He washes me, pulls me from the darkness and builds me a cocoon stronger than the one I had before could ever hope to be.

But I'm still afraid.

Am I still lying? Is this real? Oh, how I want to be safe, but can I be?

Is. It. Real?

Yes. This time it is real. It was made by the Light. It can never be broken. 

I am safe. 

Safe from the darkness, safe from the fear.

Safe in the Light. 

----------

 
See you soon, dear readers.

MR

#goodbyegravityfalls

Hello, readers.
   Well, I'm back again a little bit later than promised, but oh well, you probably expected that, didn't you? But here is the Gravity Falls post I told you I would share. This is the last one I will (probably) be putting up for awhile, since my last few have been pretty Gravity Falls oriented. :P Also, I will have pictures of my Mabel cosplay throughout instead of the spoiler-y images I really want to post...
   It turned out that I was able to watch the Gravity Falls finale on Monday after all. And I'm kind of going to talk about that, in a completely spoiler free way. Maybe... (I'll put up spoiler warnings if I have any)
   Monday was a holiday, so my brother and I didn't have school and my dad had the day off. So we took a day and went on the town. It was a lot of fun! We went and looked at some shops filled with stuff I loved but couldn't afford, probably got a few weird stares from people about the full-on Mabel cosplay I was wearing, but I was totally fine with it. We were out for the majority of the day having fun and hanging out and didn't get back until about 4:00.


   All day I was rather excited about the impending Gravity Falls finale that I didn't think I would be able to watch that day. But when I got home, I just had to see if there was some way I could.
   And what do you know.
   I find a livestream of the show. Which was great, right? Except I was halfway through the stream. In the middle of the blessed episode.
   I was more excited than words could fully express. So I squeal and exit out before I see any spoilers and tell my brother. After a bit more careful searching, I figure out that the episode is airing two times back to back. We still had some time before the second stream, so my mom and I went to the playground across the street and took some pictures of my Mabel cosplay and then went to the grocery store.
   Which ended up being a ginormously-huge-vast mistake.
   'Cause we missed the second stream by, like, 10 minutes. That was a low point of the day.
   After about another hour of stalking and searching for an online sight where I could watch the new episode, my search is unsuccessful and I am just a bit upset.
   But I still cling onto hope.
   So I hop in the shower, thinking that something will be up by the time I'm out.
   There wasn't.
   So I continue to desperately search for another thirty minutes or so. And  then, finally, I find it and my brother and I grab a blanket and my tablet, settle down on our desk chairs, and watch it.
   In the end, I should have just had more patience and waited another few hours after I missed the livestream instead of stressing about how I could find it. But lemme tell you.
   That finale was completely worth all the searching.
    It was perfect. I mean, seriously, it was perfect. 
    It was so emotionally driven, the characters had some very real high and low moments, the animation was spectacular as it always is, the music was amazing, the plot was everything you'd want from a Gravity Falls episode. There were some heart-wrenching moments where I had the burning desire to chuck my tablet across the room as hard as I could, find Alex Hirsch, punch him in the face, and then fall to my knees and sob like an infant. I ended up just sticking to sobbing like an infant for nearly the entire second half of the episode. Actually, if I think too much about the episode I'll start crying. I'm going to try and avoid that, so let's move on.
   The best word I can think to describe the episode is... Perfect, really. It was perfect.
   Everything came together and tied itself up, while still leaving enough loose ends to leave the story alive in our hearts and possibly keep things open for the future?????? *Throws violent hints to Alex Hirsch*
   And that ending scene. Man, if you've seen it then you know what I'm talkin' about. Yeah, that scene.
   It broke me. I am broken from that scene. That sequence of scenes. The entire finale broke me, okay?!
   But the worst part of all of it is this.
   It's over. Gravity Falls is over for what might very well be for good. And I've only been in this fandom for a few months, but I've become so attached. I mean, I JUST JUMPED ON THIS CRAZY BANDWAGON AND NOT IT'S ROLLING TO A STOP!!!!!! WHY?!?!?!?!??!
  Seriously, guys. If you haven't seen this episode, if you have yet to watch this show, what the heck are you doing still sitting here reading this post???? Go now! Go now and watch it, right now, now NOW! Then we can all talk and cry about the glorious story that is Gravity Falls.
   So, yes. The episode was phenomenal, the entire show was, and I'm not giving up on some kind of continuation in the future.

   See you next summer!

MR

A Quick Compilation of Gravity Falls Theories

Hello my dear readers!
   How are you all? I sincerely hope you are doing alright, as I do every week. Life can be tough sometimes, but just remember to keep your chin up and that God loves you all the time no matter what. That always makes me feel better and helps me move another step forward. :)

   I have a couple more serious posts lined up, but I wanted to kind of relax from that for a week. If you follow me on Pinterest, you'll know my about my freaky obsession with Gravity Falls. I started watching it a couple months ago and guys. It is seriously, like, the greatest thing of all time ever. Go watch it. Now. And also, the finale AIRS ON MONDAY AND I DIE A LITTLE MORE INSIDE WHICH EACH MOMENT IT GETS CLOSER!!!!
   Ahem. Yeah. I have a couple theories regarding some things that I have yet to see online, and I wanted to share them all before it gets too late.
   This may get a little deep, so... *Cracks knuckles*
   You better buckle up.
   ((Obvious spoiler alert, so if you haven't watched all of the episodes, leave now!!!))

   1. The Glasses

   On the Bill Cipher wheel, there are a bunch of symbols. We have Soos' question mark, the bag of ice that most-likely represents Wendy (though that is still up for debate), Stan's fez symbol, Dipper's pine tree, Gideon's star, the six-fingered hand for either the journals or Stanford, the lama that is now pretty much confirmed as being Pacifica, Mabel's shooting star, Robbie's broken heart and the glasses.



Now, a lot of people would say that the six-fingered hand represents the journals, and that the glasses represent Stanford. Which makes sense, right? But I have a counter-theory.
   In S1E16, "Carpet Diem", we discover the secret room that holds the body switching carpet. Obviously this is a room that holds some of Stanford's experiments and stuff, you know, all that cool science-y junk. We also see Stanley pick up a pair of glasses that were lying on a desk and put them in his pocket. And then we later see him looking thoughtfully, sorrowfully at them alone in  his chair. After we see Stanford walk out of the portal, it becomes pretty obvious that they at one time belonged to him. I mean, the glasses he was wearing are nearly an exact copy of the ones Stanley found, aside from the crack in the lens. All the signs kind of point to the glasses being Stanford's symbol on the wheel.
   But think about this.
   Stanford's six fingers have always been a prominent theme in the show, more prominent to his character than a pair of glasses. So for a moment, let's just hypothesize that the six fingered hand is Stanford's symbol instead of the glasses and that the journals don't have a place on the wheel.
   So what about the glasses?
   What if the glasses don't represent Stanford, but they specifically represent themselves,  the pair that Stan found? What if they don't just belong to Stanford, but they were one of his experiments? What if they have some kind of special quality that is yet to be discovered? What if we're looking at this all wrong?
   Hehheh, this theory is kind of crazy, I know. I was pretty excited when I thought of it, and what the heck, might as well share it even if it's totally off the mark.

2. Stanley and Stanford=Ducktective and his evil twin??? 

Okay, okay, guys. First off, this theory was actually thought up by my brother, so I must give him credit. But it is so cool, I had to share it with you all.
   In S2E13, "Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons" there are multiple awesome things that happen that gave my brother the idea for this theory. So first off, we have these infamous lines:

Haha, parallels between Ducktective and the original Mystery Twins, funny stuff, great job, Alex. 

   WRONG. 

   Let's just say for a moment that they are paralleling each other. First off, that would mean that Stanford might end up being a villain of sorts. This has already been hinted at by the new appearance of Stanford in the antagonist section of the theme song. 

    But do you know what else this also means? Let me explain.

   In the trailer for Weirdmaggedon part 3, we see a brief flash of what looks suspiciously like Ford making a deal with Bill, which is then followed by these little beauties:

 

   Now let's backtrack. The reason Ducktective is in the hospital is because his evil twin brother shot him. Let's just say that Ford makes a deal with Bill and goes all crazy and power-hungry and whatever. It's already been established that Ford and Stanley aren't on the best of terms, and this whole Weirdmaggon fiasco probably hasn't helped that at all. If Ford sides with Bill, who knows what he might do to solidify their agreement. He might even shoot the brother that has done nothing but love and support him for their entire lives. 

   This happy little theory is further solidified by all of the hints of Stan dying we've gotten, along with the fact that Ford carries a gun, and that the Pines family is apparently going to have to make some kind of sacrifice. 

   So yeah. Thank my brother for that one. 

 3. Dipper's birthmark has more significance than we think

   Alright, last theory. I know that this has been brought up before, but I still had to share it. 

   Dipper's birthmark has always been a pretty big thing in the show, though it's never really been that big. But I think it has more significance than is implied. 

   Dipper's birthmark is very obvious in that one scene in "Not What He Seems"...

   

   And in this scene in "Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future"...

   Along with a few others. You don't really see it unless it's an important moment like these ones. And Dipper has gone by this name for obviously a very long time. It's part of his identity, part of who he is. So...
   WHAT THE HECK DOES IT MEAN????
   I don't even have any thoughts on what it could be, I just had to share because I really want to know and sometimes it feels better if I scream about stuff to other people.


And that about wraps it up for this post.
   I'm actually planning on cosplaying Mabel on Monday, even though I won't be able to watch the episode until Wednesday. I'll probably post pictures of that along with a review of the episode and the show in general in an extra post on Thursday, so stay tuned for that!
   Have a great week everyone, and be sure to tell me your thoughts and theories on the upcoming episode and Gravity Falls in general in the comments!

MR

Life is Weird and So is My Thought Process

Heyo everyone!
   Whomp, look who's late again. Me. It's me. I'm late at posting once again, and I am so sorry! To be honest, I haven't had any spectacular blogging ideas as of late, but I am going to change that. I will be blogging regularly from now on! By the by, if you all have any suggestions or ideas for posts and such that would be fantabulous. :D ((Also, what do you think of the new blog design??? Pretty snazzy? Pretty lame? Tell me, tell me!))

   If you've read the title of this post, you're probably wondering what the heck I'm going to be blogging about today. Well folks. Today you are going to get a little peek into my mind. Or, my thought process and how I think about weird things. I've been kind of toying with the idea of setting aside another day of the week for these kind of (hopefully) shorter posts exploring the dark regions of my psyche, so this is like an experimental test.
   This will either be really exciting or super-dooper lame. But there's no way to know unless you try, am I right?
   So, I kind of get these extremely strange thoughts all the time for no reason. Like, I'll be brushing my teeth and suddenly I'm thinking about how short life is and I'm squandering it on this mundane routine. I mean seriously, this happens all of the time at the strangest moments. The following is one of those thoughts.
   I am 99% sure that most of the people that read my blog are young, as in teens or maybe early twenties. I'm only 16 myself, so that doesn't really come as a surprise. So yeah, a bunch of young people on here, right?
   Okay, good.
   I've recently been pondering the concept of school and high-school in particular. I used to be of the very strong opinion that pretty much everything you learn in high-school is a giant waste of time. I mean seriously, are you going to use any of this stuff ever??? But then I had a thought that thoroughly countered this very strong opinion of mine. The purpose of high-school is to give kids a taste of everything they can do, let them try a few things out so they can find something they enjoy and go do something with it. Which makes sense in the long run, unless you already know what you'd like to do as you get older. Which makes a little less sense, but that's another blog post for another day.
   This thought then led to another one in turn. High-school and school in general are such a small part of life. I mean the average human has a lifespan of 70-80 years, give or take some time depending on health issues and all of that fun stuff. School takes about 13 years from start to finish, including high school which takes 4. In the grand scheme of things, this is a very small part of your life. I mean, 13 out of 80 isn't that long, is it? No it's not.
   Consequently, this time of school also takes up a good part of your childhood. You start school at about 5 years old, and you do it until you're about 18. Boom, childhood gone.
   People put so much emphasis and stress on this time of your life, especially in high school. You've gotta learn all of these things so you can then learn these things and then go and do these things. Everyone always tells you how important school and high-school are, how important your childhood is and how you don't want to squander this time, yadda yadda ya. Do you guys get my point?
   No? Well here. The point is that you still have about, eh, I don't know 60+ years of life left when it's all said and done. And we spend all of our teen and maybe even our childhood years, all 18 of them, stressing about what we're going to do with this huge amount of time while we only have this short time to have some carefree time but we only spend all of this time worrying about what we're going to do with our time and this doesn't make any sense, but good because that's the point.
   I mean, isn't our childhood supposed to be, like, fun? Aren't we supposed to enjoy this carefree part of our life for the short time it lasts?? But instead we worry about how we're going to figure out the rest of our 60+ years???? It don't make no sense!
   Listen, I ain't sayin' you should be one of those YOLO idiots who squanders their teen years on partying and drinking and drugs and ends up ruining what's left of their lives. Be wise, prepare a little, but man! You don't have to get a job when you're 14, you don't have to go to college the moment you finish high-school, you don't have to know exactly what you're going to do with your life the moment you turn 18. I mean, you want to think about it, you want to start planning, but you don't have to have a detailed outline of every step you take from now until you retire. There's nothing wrong with being a fry cook for a little while until while you figure things out and save up a little money. Relax! Because the truth is you do only live once, and a couple years from now you're going to wish you hadn't spent all of your childhood stressing.
   Dang it all, God has a plan and it's hard because you wanna see it, but I promise you that He does have one and that He doesn't want you having anxiety and depression and all of that rotten stuff because you're feeling all of this pressure to plan your entire life out before you even graduate high-school!!!!
   So you know what. Imma tell you what you need to do. You need to exit out of this dumb post, find some old Looney Tunes to watch, grab a Capri-Sun and some mac and cheese, wrap yourself up in a blanket with your favorite stuffed animals and laugh your self silly at the hilarious stunts Bugs Bunny gets into while trying to not spew food and/or drink all over your computer screen. 'Cause this time of your life was made for enjoying so that's what you'd better do with it before it's all gone.

MR