Thought Process: Decisions

I let people's decisions affect me far too much. 

   People are always, always going to make bad decisions. They have from the beginning of time, and they will continue to do so until the world ends. People will always be inconsiderate, people will always be ignorant, people will always be selfish. No matter how much I wish I could stop it, no matter how hard I try to stop it, they always will. 

   There is nothing I can do. 

   And I'm trying to accept that. 

   But I'm done letting those bad decisions affect me. I'm done letting people's inability to deal with their own emotions, their ignorance, their constant wallowing in the mire to drag me down with them. Even if those people are unable, excuse me, unwilling to rise above their struggles, rise above their darkness, get themselves out of the mud and be the best person they can be, I'm not going to be affected by it anymore. 

   I'm done. 

   No more. 

   I am going to be the one who is willing, who wants to face up to my fears, my darkness. I am going to be the one to fight what's inside me, to fight the voices who want me to stay in the mud. I am going to grab hold of the rope of salvation, and I am not going to wallow anymore. I will not bury my fears and darkness, I will not be content to push my emotions, my sins, my struggles aside, bury them beneath something else, pretend they don't exist. Even if other people, people who are close to me are doing the same thing I'm trying not to do, even if things are taken away that make it harder to fight, i will fight. I am not going to make decisions I regret anymore. I am not going to be angry and bitter, I will not look back on my life and wish I had let myself live more, wish I had been a better adversary to my evil, to my darkness, to the evil and darkness in the world. God help me, I am going to stand up, rise above the mud everyone else seems to love so much in spite of how they complain about it, and I am going to be the person He wants me to be.  The person He made me to be. Even if it is harder than anything I have ever done and all of my darkness and fears are going to fight me with everything they have.  Even if no one else is willing, I am. 

   I'm sick of it. 

   I'm sick of not being who I'm supposed to be, I'm sick of not helping people how I want to, sick of not being who I know I'm supposed to be, sick of others chaining me down with their bad decisions. 

   No more. 

   I will still fail. But I am going to fight with every ounce of strength I have, every ounce of strength God gives me and I am going to be who I am supposed to be. I will still try to help those people who don't want to get up, oh yes I will. But I will no longer be what I'm not supposed to be because of them, for them. I will fight, even if they won't. And I will pray that they will see that it isn't that hard to get up, if you're just willing to take a step, willing to face your darkness. I will face mine and I will light a candle for others to face theirs. 

MR